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Shecontinued to read.------"So why do I do this? Why am I prepared to risk everything we have builtup together? The short answer is that I still don't know although I havea much better understanding than I did when I made the promise to you.How do I begin to explain the anxiety that comes from wishing I was adifferent person? Sometimes, those anxieties are just an annoying rumbleat the back of my mind but other times, they engulf me. It's almost likethere is someone trapped deep inside me that is screaming to get out. Sowhat do I do? Do I ignore her cries - and I use the word 'her'deliberately because she most definitely is female - or do I give her thefreedom she obviously craves? I tried ignoring her but her cries justgrew more intense and so, in the end, I just gave her what she wantedand, in return, she rewarded me with a calmness that I can't begin todescribe other than to say it felt wonderful.I remember that you told me I looked ridiculous after I dressed in frontof. Janet introduced Larry and I."Hey, there," he said, smiling, and we shook hands. "My name is Larry," he said. "Janet and I've known each other a long time. Haven't we?" He said, turning to smile at her (as she beamed back just as friendly of a smile at him)."We sure have!" Janet replied. Janet must have thought I needed reassuring, because she put her hand on my knee as she sat back down, and gave it a slight squeeze. She turned to me and said: "Larry and I go way back."I didn't say anything to that, and for a few more moments, Janet and Larry happily chatted away. It was fascinating to watch them. It was obvious that they shared a sexual history together. There was no doubt about that, and though perhaps that should have made me...jealous? uncomfortable? insecure? that wasn't at all how I felt. Intrigued is more like, and, if am honest, I was more than a little turned on by the idea that Larry had 'had' Janet in a sexual way! Maybe some guys would have found that a disqualifying.
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